NUTTISTAN SHALL SURVIVE MALICIOUS SLANDER
Dear Citizens of the Most Sacred Nuttistan,
It has come to the attention of I, the Great Leader and Accomplished Father of Our Nation, that I have become the interest to many of the Godless pagans who craft fantastical and untrustworthy statements about the greatest of all sports, college football. This is meant to do nothing more than sew dissent and anger among the people of our great nation.
First, there was the villiany performed by that most wretched of sinners, the USA Today. Not content to be outdone in brimstone-drenched blaspheme, the ESPN ran a four-part series on our great nation. This was followed by that cauldron of scandal and hellfire, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Again, it is time for our nation to move on from the putrid stench of outside agitation and the rabble-rousing of the Witch Mustain and his vile conspirators. They seek to use these so-called news reports to bring dishonor on the great state of Nuttistan. This must not be tolerated.
Therefore, I have hired a new public relations consultant to help carry the joyous message of the nation of Nuttistan to the rest of the world.
Nuttistan is in happiness. And there are still no Americans in Baghdad.
Please pledge your efforts to help the Bob of Baghdad and to promote the glory of our great nation and its Father,